It's a long way to Miami
Posted on July 29, 2017
I am driving into the main front gate at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri.
On a rare occasion, when the lines are backed up to St Louis, they’ll open additional lines to allow the peasants into work.
They’re considerate like that.
But sometimes I take a back route into the east gate, just to avoid the joy and excitement of waiting in lines.
The downside is that the east route is basically a twisting pig trail designed by a sadistic civil engineer with a love of roller coasters with a little asphalt for fun.
So, going to work is a choice between risking my life on a Deliverance themed highway or waiting in line until lunchtime.
So, yesterday afternoon I am driving back into Post when I see a car stopped in the exit lane.
Three guys are standing nearby.
Which is dangerous.
So, I am curious. Why in the Sam Hill are three guys stopped in the exit lane from Fort Leonard Wood?
They all have cameras in their hands taking a photo of something on the ground.
I look closer.
There is an armadillo on the road lying in the position that all armadillos naturally assume.
They were taking a picture of a dead armadillo.
Let me say that again: they’re taking a picture of a dead armadillo.
I don’t know why.
Maybe they’d never seen such an interesting creature before.
Maybe they’re from Manhattan.
I only wish I’d turned around and asked. But really, who wants to add to the excitement of taking a picture of a dead armadillo?
There could be riots.
Last week, on the way back home for the weekend through southern Missouri, I met up with a bobcat.
For some reason, he decided to charge my diminutive Prius while I was doing nothing more than listening to my iPhone play a little Allman Brothers.
Who knew that Bobcats hated Toyotas.
Or the Allman Brothers.
Maybe he thought the Prius was a natural enemy encroaching on his territory and he could eliminate the threat in one fell swoop.
His swoop failed and quickly became soul brothers with the armadillo.
Unfortunately, in the process of taking out the enemy Prius, he caused a considerable amount of damage to the vehicle.
Which isn’t particularly hard to do with disposable cars.
Which leads me to my third point about roadkill.
When we were getting married, I drove to Miami to pick up my bride, who was flying in from Moscow.
When her dad bought the tickets for her, I am guessing that he had no geographical awareness of the United States.
And he surely didn’t realize that they put Miami at the bottom of Florida.
Or, maybe he did…
Anyway, I should have told her to fly into Atlanta.
On the way back to Mobile, we drove through the lovely retirement state. She couldn’t help but notice the incredible number of dead creatures littering the roadside.
Florida, you really need to get some buzzards or something.
Anyway, after a few weeks of diving back to Mobile, she spoke up abruptly after hours of spying the roadside:
“Pumpkin. That one was alive.”
Cute that she noticed that.
I assured her that it wouldn’t be for long.
As I pulled into my neighborhood today, I see the remnants of one of God’s creatures in a pancake position.
Never once considered taking a photo.